Disappointment and depression

Well, I'm off work today. Fortunately for nothing directly linked to the bean, but the age old milestone-round-my-neck - my M.E. When I found out I was pregnant, I was delighted with the news that for three quarters of sufferers, their M.E significantly improves as the immune system is suppressed in order to prevent the body rejecting the foetus. It seems like I'm going to be in the quarter that not only don't get this 'get out of M.E. free card', but it seems to be significantly deteriorating. I have not felt such muscle pain, lack of co-ordination and extreme fatigue since my onset back in 2005. What is particularly worrying is that there has been no usual trigger, like getting stressed/upset or doing to much physically. It's just floored me for no obvious reason, suggesting it's cause is pregnancy related. Marvellous.

It's hard not to feel cheated. I was looking forward to feeling 'normal' for a while. On the whole I've been lucky with my M.E; I've never stopped working completely and I've improved significantly from the dark old days of 2005-6. However, I just feel a little bit robbed, that whilst most get a break for nine months, it looks like I'm destined to struggle once again. I can't explain just how frightening it is. What if I have to stop working? I'll have no money and my recovery will be pushed back again by my lack of activity. What if it prevents me being a good mother? What if I never get better...

I'm hoping it's the hormones but I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face. i thought I'd put a lot of these M.E feelings to bed a long time ago, when I started to get so much better - feelings of 'why me?' and a total fear for the future. Some people just seem to have it all so easy, and I sometimes feel that if there's an uphill struggle way of doing things, that's the way I have to do it.

This feeling spills over into so many other things. So far, my pregnancy has been pretty uncomfortable - all pains and aches and feeling uncomfortable. Where is the picture of maternal radiance that is painted on every website and TV show? I feel scared, anxious and frightened most of the time - a picture of maternal serenity I am not.

OK, I'm going to stop now before I wallow so deep I drown in the mud. I hope this is the hormones and the M.E talking.

I'll sod off now and stop being so depressing!